Wednesday, May 23, 2012

It means no worries...

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be a very safe, cheery space. I wanted it to be a space where I could escape into my own little world and record the things that made me smile. The memories I didn’t want to forget. After all, Hakuna Matata - it means no worries! Right?! I picked the blog title last January as a reminder to not let the bad always overwhelm the good. To see the positive in every situation and write about it. And that I’ve done. I love going back and rereading some of my older posts. Most times I smile at what I had to write at that time in my life, but a lot of the times I see through the words I did write, reflect on those I didn’t write.

The cool thing about blogging is you get to tell people whatever you want to tell them. You can write as little, or as much as your little fingers will allow. Take Thursday May 10th for example, I opted to write a silly post about the Nuggets beating the Lakers when really I should have been telling you guys about the meeting at work we had that morning when I found out I will be losing my job of 5 yrs. come October-December.

Or instead of posting about how horribly bad my cat was acting out, ruining my entire apartment, and preventing me from feeling confident in having anyone over in 3+ months’ time, I decided to post a cute pix of my him and I in fact got rid of this little guy over the weekend.

Yeah. That just happened.

The days that I posted just a photo, or a quote, or a silly pix of Forks often times were some of the worst days, but I needed a happy memory to be associated with those days other than just the icky. And I don't regret that, because after all - that is what this blog is for. But at the same time, I need to quit plastering a smile on my face and open up about the crap things in life, too.

So, what has this taught me? I’m not the best communicator. I like happy things. Funny things. Silly things. I don’t like talking about things that are sad. Or things that are too deep. Or painful. And when those situations do come up, I have a hard time with details, and try to keep things as vanilla as possible. I'll deflect questions or avoid them completely Guess what world? That’s. Not. Healthy. Because then you end up losing it on a friend who emails saying “It’s been forever since we’ve hung out!”

I digress.

Example. This was my way of telling you guys we found out Hunter’s mom’s cancer was back.

Yeah. Because THAT couldn’t have been more vague.

So instead of hiding behind pictures and useless sports scores, here are a few real things I haven’t told you:

I have a lot of anger and resentment towards this post.
A post about meals you ask?! WhyTF would I have resentment towards that? I’ll tell you why. Little did I know when I wrote that post, that a mere 3 days later we’d get a call from Hunter’s dad saying we needed to get up to Steamboat for a trip that would change our lives forever. I hate that for whatever reason, food was the most important thing to me that week.

Ever notice I rarely post during the holidays? Namely Thanksgiving/Christmas? That’s because even though these holidays hold some of my most favorite memories and traditions of the entire year, I harbor a ton of ill feelings towards them because my family is broken, and I don’t know how it can be fixed.

I cry every. single. day. At work. On my drive/bike ride to work. In the shower. On the phone. Doesn’t matter where I am, what I am doing, or who I’m with – there hasn’t been a day that has gone by in months that I haven’t cried.

We found out 2 weeks ago they are essentially collapsing our department at work. There is a opportunity for reapplying for our positions and getting hired back on, but it would mean a pay cut, and a new office which is appx 30 miles south of where I work now. My comfort bubble is being popped, and I'm being forced to take the next step on my own.

Last Saturday I said goodbye to this little fella. There isn't really more to say than what I said above. It was sad. It was a HARD decision to make, but it was the right thing to do.

All of the above can get tiring. Heavy. Scary. But above all, overwhelming. I think that is where I'm at right now. Simply and completely overwhelmed. The simplest of tasks seem so utterly daunting to me. Planning a girls night. Attending a Happy Hour. Calling a friend from back home to catch up. Often times I want to come home from work, crawl into bed and sleep. Cry. Drink wine. Eat Taco Bell. Lay with Hunter while look at old pictures. Instead I put one foot in front of the other and keep on, keepin' on. What I'm learning is to not dismiss the feelings of hurt, sad, pain and suffering but to embrace them, talk them through and move on. I'm just hoping it won't be easier said than done.

But you want to know what I've been thankful for today?

I'm thankful for Hunter setting the alarm clock on his side of the bed for 6:45am when it will undoubtably wake him up on one of the few days he gets to sleep in. I'm thankful for when I (really him) has hit snooze just enough times and I whisper to him "Babe, I've gotta go." and he moans in a soft sleepy voice "Noooooooooooooooo..." and pulls me into our cuddle that much tighter. I'm thankful for coffee. And for best friends who without even being told anything can tell that you are having a bad morning and can put a smile on your face for the rest of the day.  Best friends who just GET you, and who understand without explaining anything at all.   I'm thankful for rain, rain and more rain! I'm thankful for friends who won't let you be pissy, put on their attitude pants and tell you "There is no crying on American Idol finale night, Beth. THIS IS A BIG NIGHT." Humm....I wonder who that friend could be.

What is the point of this post?! Honestly, I have no clue. It may be more of a venting post for me. It may be a way for you all to understand where I'm at in this time of my life right now. Whatever it is, I feel better having this off my chest, and hope to start tomorrow with that embracing of sad feelings and working through them talk. But tonight you ask?! Tonight is the American Idol finale. I have my favorite gay boys, yummy food, good drinks and plenty laughs ahead of me. And that is something I feel really damn good about.

Hakuna Matata, sweet readers.

1 comment:

  1. You are so much stronger than you know! Love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!