One of my favorite blogger's
How Sweet it Is linked to this list today, and I couldn't help but fondly think back to when I lived alone and laughed out loud at far too many of these:
1. Watching terrible TV shows at top volume while you
get unreasonably emotionally invested in what is going on. “Say yes to the
dress!! SAY YES TO IT, BITCH.”
2. Cooking in your kitchen naked, which seems like an
awesome idea until you realize how often you come in contact with scalding hot
things during the cooking process.
3. Proceeding to eat whatever you made naked while
sitting at your table.
4. Realizing how many meals can be successfully eaten
in bed, and not considering the repercussions until you are literally sleeping
on a pile of crumbs.
5. Grabbing things with your toes and transferring
them to your hands instead of bending down to pick them up.
6. Having brief existential crises over how lazy one
person can actually get, because it seems like the toe-grabbing thing must be
near the top of that category.
7. Conducting interviews with yourself out loud,
giving extremely humblebraggy answers, in preparation for the inevitable moment
when you become an enormous celebrity/icon/hero.
8. Eating gross-yet-delicious food combinations that
are an affront to civilized society. (If you’re here to judge me about my love
of Hot Fries dipped in hummus, you can just leave right now.)
9. Beyond just singing in the shower, conducting
full-scale operas while washing up with multiple voices, rich instrumentals,
and out-of-nowhere guitar solos.
10. Dancing seductively in front of the mirror at
length and marveling about how eminently bangable you are.
11. Standing directly in front of the refrigerator and
eating out of it, as plates and cutlery are for people with way too much time
on their hands.
12. Crying for
basically no other reason than it feels really sweet to cry, or maybe you saw
something really moving and emotional and profound, like a Snuggle commercial.
13. Getting drunk by yourself whilst browsing the
internet and laughing maniacally at your computer screen.
14. Drunk solo photoboothing!
15. Rearranging things in your apartment because you
feel that you could always have things placed in a slightly more sensical
order, even though it always winds up looking exactly the same.
16. Allowing your eating schedule to become so
backwards as to border on the surreal. “Oh, it’s 2:30 AM, time for breakfast! I
don’t want to miss the lunch hour at 10 AM, followed by a snack-dinner that
stretches on for two hours in the late afternoon.”
17. Eating an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s in one
sitting and not even giving a fuck.
18. Realizing the amount of activities that are made
infinitely more enjoyable by being performed naked.
19. Starting to lose all sense of propriety with
regards to what your neighbors might be able to see through your window.
20. Developing a special, almost spiritual
relationship with the various delivery guys.
21. Thinking about how badly you want a pet, because
at least having another living thing around to keep you company would somewhat
delay the spiral into absolute insanity.
22. Killing plants.
23. Remaining in the same pajamas for such an extended
period of time that you think the fabric might actually be adhering permanently
to your skin.
24. Becoming extremely good at impromptu
plates/bowls/utensils in case of laziness re: washing dishes. Eating cereal out
of a tupperware bin with a ladle is more than acceptable now and again.
25. Getting into bouts of cleaning/organizing that
seem to put into question your mental health.
26. Having to answer the door when you are in full
“hermit” mode and have therefore not seen the business end of a brush or clean
shirt in a few days.
27. Listening to music that even a 13-year-old scene
girl would be embarrassed to admit to.
28. Choreographing dances to said music that you do
repeatedly in front of your mirror until you briefly convince yourself that you
could join the Russian Ballet if you put in a little effort.
29. Making a space on your bed all nice and comfy for
your laptop and cuddling with it from time to time.
30. Constantly thinking of all the magical things you
could do with this space you have all to yourself, including painting an accent
wall, none of which you ever do.
31. Air-drying after a shockingly high percentage of
showers.
32. Feeling sincerely afraid from time to time that
you’ll never be able to live with another person again, because who would ever
want to give up the immense liberation of being the creepy half-human,
half-animal that you get to be when you live alone?
I will openly admit to relating to so, so many of these { i.e. 1, 7, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 23, 27, 29, & 30 }, deny it, but actually relate to some { 2-4 }, and also relating to some more than I would even want to admit to even myself { 8, 19 & 26 }.
I remember once being in such a hermit, un-showered and flu stricken mode when my landlord tried calling and was knocking at my door. MY LANDLORD, who could see my car parked in front, hear my tv on and see the lights on in my apartment, yet I was so disturbed with myself and my filth, that I quietly waked to the bathroom and turned on my shower, to appear I was in the shower when he called/knocked. Mind you, I didn't actually shower, just sat in the bathroom with the water running. Awww...Sara is a lucky, lucky lady to get to live with me for a few short months.
